Ask Irene: How Do I Handle First-Time Play Party Butterflies?

Hi Irene: I’m attending a “femme/themme only” play party and I’m so excited! Also pretty nervous as it’s my first ever play party and I’m scared I’ll fuck up somehow. I often get extra nervous about crossing boundaries with women and end up too inhibited to act. Any tips/reflections/experiences to share around this? – Play Party Precarious 

I see you, Play Party Precarious—and I’m excited for you! It’s totally normal to be nervous, even if it’s your 100th play party.

Do you know what the structure of the party is? Is there an opening circle, a pre-play portion designed for mingling, any space designed for people to interact with each other non-sexually?

Regardless of the specifics of the party, I find it really useful to set some intentions and clarify expectations before entering the space. What are you hoping to experience for yourself and what is the smallest expression of that you’d consider “successful?”

For example, if it’s feeling like a lot to just be in a space with public sex, you might set the intention to stay connected to noticing your own body in that new setting. It’s a huge success just to be in that environment and stay attuned to how you feel. Or maybe success could be complimenting three people you don’t know - something that you feel in control of, regardless of what might come up for you in the space.

It can also be really powerful and supportive to simply name our nerves in the moment. Usually someone else is feeling similarly and it gets to be a connective, relieving thing to put it out there. And if they’re not feeling that way in the moment, if they’re in that space, they almost certainly have felt that way before and can relate.

Furthermore, it is SO common for folks who have been socialized femme to feel wary of coming off as “too aggressive” or overstepping with other women and femmes. I hear a lot of them express that they so intimately know what it feels like to be violated or pressured that they never want to make someone else feel this way. The antidote here is more direct, honest communication; again, can you start by simply naming what is true for you? “I think you smell delicious” or “your energy really puts me at ease” or “I’m noticing a desire to touch you.” Simply stating your own experience leaves plenty of space for the other person to choose how they want to interact with it, no pressure.

Which brings me to the final point here; make sure you’re thinking about consent as a collaborative process, not a seeking of permission. So beyond being transparent about your own feelings, what questions can you ask a potential play partner that will help you ensure collaboration? I like to start with things like “is there anything you want me to know about your body?” and “what signals will tell me you’re enjoying this?”