Ask Irene: How Do I Know What My Nervous System Is Ready For?
Hi Irene: I often find myself creating situations I think will be pleasurable for everyone, but they end up overwhelming me. For instance, I was very excited to organize an outing with my husband and his lover to celebrate his birthday at a big social event - I knew he would love that. We put a lot of time, energy, and discussion into it ahead of time, and thought it would bring us all closer. But the experience turned out to be very difficult, and I felt blindsided by unexpected emotions and broken agreements. How can I distinguish between the pleasure I think I’ll feel in these moments and what my nervous system is actually ready for? – Blindsided
My dear Blindsided, I hear you! It sounds like this isn’t so much “people-pleasing” as it is the excitement to create a beautiful, shared experience—sometimes without fully knowing how it’ll play out for you emotionally. This is common in transitioning to non-monogamy, where what we think will feel good in theory can turn out very different in practice. To be fair to ourselves, how can we really know before we try? We’ve never been in these scenarios before, and we have received a lot of conditioning about how we “should” feel about them.
First, I always start with self-compassion. A big part of the process in shifting your relationship paradigm is allowing some unpredictability without making it mean you’re “bad” or “wrong” for feeling overwhelmed. Negotiating agreements is powerful, but our bodies and nervous systems need time in real experiences to adapt and build resilience. Be kind to yourself recognizing the reality that sometimes our assessment is just off, and that’s OK.
In terms of more actionable advice, two things come to mind. When your “eyes are bigger than your stomach,” so to speak, it can help to scale down these ideas into smaller, safer steps. Ask yourself “what are the new aspects of this? And what are the smallest, most doable versions of experiencing the new things?” For example, if the ultimate vision is you, your husband, and his lover celebrating together in a larger social setting, maybe it’s new for the three of you to share space at all, new to celebrate a meaningful occasion together, and new to be in a big social setting as a unit. Sometimes when we find ourselves in overwhelm, we’ve given our nervous system too much newness at once. Consider starting with simply spending time together in person, maybe a casual lunch with a set start and end time. Afterward, once you’ve had a chance to reflect, you could all share what felt pleasurable and what felt challenging.
From there, slowly build up. And continue to share with each other how each step goes. It might sound tedious, but the debrief of how each person experienced the dynamic at every step can be a game-changer. This helps us understand how each person’s system is responding and integrating, and creates safety simply through the experience of being seen and heard. As you collect these experiences, and better understand everyone’s ways of operating in them, you’ll build up confidence in your own capacity while building trust in the overall dynamic.
Second, when agreements are broken, I usually ask:
What’s needed for repair?
What made this agreement hard to follow?
Of course we need to start with repair and rebuilding any broken trust. But we also need to understand what was at play that made that agreement challenging, or else we risk simply repeating the rupture over and over again. These insights help refine what boundaries and adjustments you need for the future, as they will be more shaped by realistic expectations, making your experiences more enjoyable and sustainable.