Ask Irene: Stuck In The Middle

Dear Irene: I’ve been practicing polyamory for two years now, and my family doesn’t know about it. My parents invited me and my nesting partner to my family’s dinner, and my newer partner is really hurt to be left out. My mom is really working on accepting my queerness, so adding non-monogamy seems like it would be overloading a family holiday that was feeling like a step in the right direction. I feel stuck between my partner being upset and my family being uncomfortable. How do I manage this rock and hard place? – Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck in the Middle… Oof. First of all, let’s just validate that the holidays can feel like a pressure cooker even in the best of circumstances. And here you are trying to juggle multiple relationships, family expectations, and your own sense of self—all while dodging emotional landmines. That’s a lot, so let’s break it down.

When you're caught in this kind of holiday conundrum, it helps to tease apart two major dynamics: one is about your polycule, and the other is about your family. Sure, they overlap (because of course they do), but they’re worth examining separately to get more clarity about the outcomes you want.

First: What’s Going on Inside Your Polycule?

The holidays can amplify emotions in any relationship, and in non-monogamy, the logistics and feelings are multiplied. So let’s start by asking: how do you feel about your partner’s absence at your family dinner? And how do you feel about the idea of spending the holiday together as a polycule?

This is about more than just logistics. It’s about where your relationships are at right now. Does your ideal expression of this partnership include holidays together, or is that something that feels more relationship-escalator-y that isn’t actually true for you? With your newer partner, do you feel like holidays together and integrating with your family is a step you actively want? You didn’t say so in your letter to me, and this is an area where I think we can have a lot of unintentional spillover from monogamy culture programming. Are you excited to introduce this partner to your traditions or want to build new ones with both partners as a polycule, or is this more about their desire to be included? (And hey, if the latter is true, that doesn’t make you a bad person! Relationships take their own form, move at their own pace, and holidays don’t have to be a deadline or even a goal.)

Furthermore, what’s the polycule dynamic here? Are your partners used to spending time together and a holiday with the three of you would be a breeze to collaborate on? Or have they not met, and spending a holiday together would require some sensitivity and preparation for everyone? How does your nesting partner feel about the prospect of including your newer partner? Or would they rather tag out and let someone else sit across the table from your weird cousin this year?

Your newer partner’s hurt feelings are real and valid—being left out stings. But you can honor their feelings without skipping past your own, or bending over backwards to make things work that you may not want. Take the time and space to re-anchor yourself in the honest expression of polyamory that you want to be building.

Next: What’s Up With Your Family?

Ah, the joys of coming out to family. I’m sorry to hear your mom struggles with vital parts of your authentic self. I completely understand why that experience would make you feel hesitant to layer on the non-monogamy - we are wired to depend on other humans for survival, and that things that feel threatening to our primary caregivers’ acceptance of us can literally feel life-threatening.

AND you did say this holiday was feeling like a step in the right direction, so I have hope that there is a path to you feeling more like your full self can come to your family’s table. Especially around sensitive topics and things where we have prior negative experience, we tend to add some extra layers of protection by focusing on the risks and possible bad outcomes. Just for the sake of balancing that negativity bias, I’d invite you to check in with any progress you can track; did your mom say or do anything that felt more supportive this year? Do certain PDAs feel more comfortable than they once did? Of course I don’t want you to gaslight yourself when these dynamics feel strained, but I am curious if getting specific about positive change might show you a shifting openness.

Regardless of where your mom is at, where are you at? Is it feeling difficult to contain the polyamorous part of yourself, or is there some relief in cosplaying mononormativity? Both? (Please don’t feel guilty if that’s true for you - it’s exhausting to hold multiple misundersstood identities.)

I want to remind you that coming out is a process. Certain steps in it can feel more dramatic than others (like telling mom), but you get to be in charge of the pace. If you’re wondering whether this is the right time to open the process with your family, ask yourself:

• Do I feel emotionally equipped to handle whatever reaction might come my way?

• Is there at least one family member who could offer a safe landing pad if things get weird?

• Do I even want to deal with this during the holidays, or can it wait until, say, a random Tuesday in March?

• What support would be good to structure outside my family so I feel validated and celebrated in who I am regardless of how it goes?

And if you’re leaning toward sharing, consider breaking it down. Maybe you don’t have to come out to the whole family over turkey and mashed potatoes. A one-on-one conversation with just your weird cousin might feel more manageable as a starting point. Something like:

"Hey, I’ve been wanting to share something about my relationships. I’ve been practicing non-monogamy, which means I have more than one partner. I’m happy to answer questions, but for now, I’d love to keep this between us. I’m still deciding if/how to tell the rest of the family."

Or maybe it’s the turkey and mashed potatoes that are not the right vibe. Maybe you do want your family to know this part of you, but you also know they stress out over prepping a meal for 14 people, and that is not setting us up for success to handle hard conversations. It’s okay to decide, “not this year, but let’s schedule a different meal together” (this can even be over Zoom if geography is not on your side).

Really, it’s totally valid if you’re not ready to share this part of your life yet—or if you never want to. Your boundaries are yours to set. And also keep asking yourself whose feelings you’re trying to protect. If the answer is someone else, I want you to hear that you deserve to feel like your whole self in the presence of your loved ones, and other people’s discomfort is not your responsibility to manage.

Where Does That Leave You?

Once you’ve checked in with yourself about your polycule and your family, you can start sketching out a plan that feels aligned with what you want. If you’re not ready to come out, it’s okay to focus on your nesting partner for this year while making other plans to celebrate with your newer partner. Maybe you want to make plans as a polycule that don’t involve your family, but do foster a sense of ritual and deepening connection.

If you are ready, do it on your terms and think about the support you will need to maintain your boundaries. Either way, the holidays don’t have to be the ultimate litmus test for your relationships—or your family dynamics.

Regardless, make sure to express curiosity about your partners’ experience, validate their feelings, and work collaboratively with them to find the middle path. If they’re not coming with you to the famiily dinner, you might offer ssomething like:

"I know not being invited feels painful, and I want you to know it’s not about how much I care about you. Right now, I’m navigating a lot with my family, and this year, this is where I’m at. Let’s figure out how we can make the season special in ways that feel good for us, too."

Whether that’s a quiet one-on-one evening with hot cocoa and cheesy holiday movies or planning a separate celebration with your whole polycule, you’re showing them that they matter, even if the big family dinner isn’t in the cards this time.

If they do wind up coming with you, talk about everyone’s expectations and support needs.

Look, there’s no denying that this situation kind of sucks. It’s hard to feel like you’re hiding parts of yourself, and it’s hard to feel like you’re disappointing anyone you love. But you’re not alone, and you’re not failing. By checking in with yourself and communicating with care, you’re doing the deep work of non-monogamy: balancing the messy, beautiful realities of love, boundaries, and growth.

Take it one step at a time—and maybe pour yourself some eggnog while you’re at it.

With warmth and validation,

Irene