Ask Irene: Judgy Millennial
Dear Irene, My partner has a relationship that is making me deeply uncomfortable because of the age difference (she's significantly younger). I find myself judging him for it and getting the ick about him because of it. For the record, I don't feel this way about all his relationships. I am generally able to access compersion, and am really oriented toward kitchen table poly. I also believe every person needs to learn whatever their unique relationship lessons are - it's not up to me to say who he should and shouldn't see. In the past I've been able to get comfortable with him dating people I wasn't enthusiastic about. But with this power differential in particular, when he's out with her, I find myself fixated on it, ruminating on whether or not it's ethical. How do I put down this thing that's not mine? ~ Judgy Millennial
My Judgey Millennial friend—First, let me acknowledge the weight of what you’re carrying. Feeling “the ick” in a situation that challenges your values is deeply uncomfortable, and it’s clear you’ve already put a lot of thought into your emotions, beliefs, and responsibilities here.
Your discomfort seems to stem, in part, from the perceived power differential in their age gap. While power dynamics are real and important to consider, it’s also worth reflecting on where this reaction is coming from in you. Were there times in your younger years when you felt disempowered or taken advantage of in relationships, particularly with older men? Might part of this be an instinct to protect someone who reminds you of a version of yourself? We want to clarify whether this is about her age specifically, or your reaction is an echo of something unresolved in your own story.
Younger women aren’t inherently disempowered or lacking agency; many are fully in their sexual and relational power. And also, many are not. Of course, society is still very much structured to give men more power, *and* folks in younger age brackets are growing up in a world already shaped by #MeToo and with greater access to comprehensive sex ed freely available online. Many of them are having a different experience than us old timers (I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm speaking from a mid-30's perspective). What would you need to shift your lens to see her through that possibility, rather than assuming she’s at risk? Is it possible for you to conceptualize her as making empowered decisions as she's exploring rather than assuming she's in a position that lacks agency?
It’s also worth exploring whether your discomfort might point to lingering issues in your relationship with your partner. You mentioned you've been able to "get comfortable with him dating people you weren't enthusiastic about" which implies you started out not comfortable with them. So I can't help but wonder if there's actually some build up of a pattern happening, in which you aren't totally comfortable with his choices. Then I would ask, is that because his choices are simply different than your own, or do they have a direct impact on you somehow? If his judgement repeatedly has an impact on your life in a way you don't like, that warrants addressing. If his choices are simply different than yours, we want to cultivate more empathy and understanding; can you ask to hear more about his decision-making process, simply from a place of listening to understand?
If I'm off base there, then is there something about this particular situation that’s triggering doubts about his ethics, judgment, or ability to navigate this relationship responsibly? If so, rather than ruminating, you might bring this into an open and non-accusatory conversation. Focus on sharing your feelings, rather than critiquing his choices.
For example: “I notice I’m having a lot of big feelings come up about this, and I think part of it is tied to my own stuff around age and power. But I also want to feel confident that she’s in her agency and that you’re navigating this ethically. Can you share more about how you’re approaching that?” This invites connection and gives him a chance to share how he’s ensuring this relationship is mutually respectful and consensual.
Since you’re oriented toward kitchen table polyamory, this may be a good moment to revisit your shared vision for relationships. Are there certain qualities or characteristics you both value in the people you bring into your shared world? If so, does this relationship align with those values? For example, if you both value maturity, stability, or self-awareness, are those traits present here, regardless of age? On the other hand, if your agreements lean more toward autonomy—dating whoever feels like the right fit for each person—what would help you feel grounded in trusting his discernment? It’s okay to have different preferences, but clarifying your framework together can help reduce ambiguity and build trust.
Finally, you asked how to “put down this thing that’s not mine.” I love that question, because it recognizes that you’re trying to let go of control over something that isn’t fully within your domain. One option is to shift the focus back to yourself:
What would you need to trust yourself and your partner in this situation?
What practices help you ground in the belief that younger women can absolutely be empowered and capable?
How can you resource yourself to navigate discomfort, while recognizing that it doesn’t have to dictate your or your partner’s choices?
When you notice yourself ruminating, try practices like journaling or shaking your body to release the charge - "move the body to move the mind". Remind yourself that their relationship isn’t a reflection of you. You don’t need to override your feelings, but you also don’t need to let them run the show. By staying curious about what’s coming up for you—and taking steps to rebuild trust and clarity with your partner—you can navigate this with grace and growth.
Warmly, Irene