Ask Irene: Between Love & My Own Alignment

Irene—After a traumatic breakup with a monogamous partner I'd been with for fifteen years, I began seeing a married man. We’ve been dating for a few months, and while he’s honest and open about his non-monogamy, I still feel uneasy, especially around the implicit hierarchy of his multiple-decades-long marriage. I’ve been curious about polyamory, but I’m unsure if this dynamic truly works for me. I’m deeply attached to him now, which makes me feel vulnerable and terrified. One recurring thing that comes up for me is how hard it is that he doesn't spend the night—it’s painful when he leaves after intimacy, even if we plan a gentle transition. I also struggle with thoughts of him being with his wife, and a recent trip they took brought up intense doubt about whether I can handle this. He says staying over is a possibility, but I’m afraid that might deepen my attachment in a way I’m not ready for. The fears and feelings of loneliness are leading me to consider taking a break or ending things, and I hate that idea. With all these layered emotions and uncertainties, how can I make more functional decisions about whether this relationship truly fits my needs? ~ Between Love & My Own Alignment

Dear Between Love & My Own Alignment, I understand why you feel confused here. There's clearly a struggle with the attachment you've developed and the vulnerability that comes with it. I’m hearing both “it doesn’t feel good that he doesn’t stay over” and also “I’m afraid of him staying over.”

It's hard to understand what it will feel like to date someone in a pre-existing, committed partnership until we're in it, which often comes with the feelings your describing - an inherent sense of not having the full access we crave to someone we care about. In monogamy, that kind of craving gets to be lust that simmers amidst the confines of real life responsibilities and work commitments. In non-monogamy, it can feel more like that craving doesn't get to be satiated just because our partner has other partners. This, understandably, stirs up uneasiness about our importance or our place in someone's life; what do I mean to you in your landscape of priorities when another partner is also a priority? How do I make sense of that when the whole thing is an entirely new landscape for me? I think the first step here is to spend some time exploring your own curiosity and interest in polyamory, distinct from this specific relationship. You said you've been curious about polyamory, so what intrigues you about this relationship structure? What sounds supportive, expansive, or otherwise enriching to you about a non-monogamous dynamic? One way of exploring this might be to think about it through the four realms of pleasure - physical, mental/emotional, relational, and spiritual. Which of those categories do you feel could be supported by non-monogamy? What might that look like for you? Then, are the thing you’re curious about or drawn to available in this particular dynamic? If you’re going to do non-monogamy, it’s fine for the entry point to be someone else’s version, but we want to make sure your version also gets to come forward and take shape.

It’s also important to acknowledge that you are in transition not just from monogamy, but from a specific, long-term partnership, and that is very likely to play a role in your emotional experience right now. Fifteen years is a long time, and whatever relationship you find yourself in after that, there will be some sorting out happening. You might want to take a look at if there are any core patterns or unmet needs you were dealing with before—whether it was a lack of emotional intimacy, physical connection, or freedom in your previous relationship—and whether this current situation is helping you shift those patterns or whether it feels like you’re setting the stage to repeat them. Sometimes, we’re unconsciously drawn to dynamics that mirror old relationships because they feel familiar, even if they weren’t fulfilling the first time around. In the end, it’s up to us to shift those patterns, whether that’s asking for our needs to be met differently or choosing different scenarios to begin with.

That said, it’s really okay if you don’t yet know exactly what your needs are in this context. It sounds like you’re still figuring that out—and that’s completely normal, especially in a new dynamic. Understanding what you need can take time, and it often requires some experimenting to uncover what really feels good for you. I’d encourage you to approach this with curiosity: what would happen if you gave yourself permission to experiment with different forms of connection and see how each one feels? Maybe that means trying out staying over, adjusting how often you communicate between visits, or even setting clearer boundaries around your emotional space. Maybe you want to also go on some dates with other people? It’s okay to not have all the answers right away, but finding the answers will require experimentation and communication as you go, even if it feels uncomfortable. The bottom line then becomes, how much capacity and risk tolerance do you have for the process of experimenting?

One thing I also want to mention is that boundaries around your emotional space are just as important as physical boundaries. This might mean figuring out different ways to protect your emotional well-being, like not imagining your partner with other people. There's no non-monogamy rule that says you have to be okay with the mental image of your partner being sexual with others. If that’s a part of the dynamic that’s hard for you right now, that’s okay. It’s perfectly fine to put boundaries in place around what you’re willing or able to imagine in this relationship—and those boundaries might evolve over time as you continue to explore what feels safe and supportive.

Finally, know that it’s okay to change your mind about your needs as you learn more. We are constantly evolving, and our needs within relationships can shift as we learn about ourselves and how we connect with others. This is why communication is so vital—it’s how we keep our relationships flexible and responsive to those changes. You might find that your needs shift over time, and that’s not only natural, it’s a sign of growth. Your partner needs to be able to hear that, and it’s important to create space for that kind of dialogue. Your partner having another partner doesn’t mean you stay quiet about what you want and need in the connection.

You are worthy of having your needs met, and that begins with being open to discovering what those needs are. It’s not always clear at first, but through open communication and gentle experimentation, you’ll get a better sense of what aligns with your heart and your life. As I mentioned earlier, the cost of connection is vulnerability, but it’s a worthwhile investment in reaching a place where your needs are met, your boundaries are respected, and your connection is fulfilling.

This process may lead you to decide that non-monogamy isn’t right for you, or it may help you find a way to make it work. The only way to know is to take some risks and see. Whether this dynamic aligns with your needs or not, you deserve the connection, clarity, and fulfillment you're seeking—and that will require vulnerability and experimentation. You are absolutely worth that investment.

I wish you clarity, courage, and curiosity as you navigate this.

Warmly,

Irene